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Thursday, October 5, 2017

Why Standing to Pee is Overrated

My whole life, everyone's said how amazing it is to be male and the main advantage seems to be standing to pee. Especially in the woods. And I'll grant you that I have peed in the woods on skis and it did seem like it would be easier if I hadn't needed to squat to do it. But I worked it out. I did not pee down the hill while sliding. I got it done, stood up, pulled my pants up, and skied down the run.

Before having boys, I had no idea how often they pee on themselves. But the main drawback? Males piss on themselves. Often. I do not normally pee on myself and couldn't really tell you the last time that happened. But boys? All. the. time.

Case in point. Over the course of the last 12 hours, we've had three incidents of accidentally getting pee on pants. Not peeing in their pants. No. It seems to be an issue of unpredictable spraying from the penis. I had no idea how unreliable a hose those things are.

At 1:00 AM my seven year old got up to pee and got it on his pants. He woke me up. I told him to change jammies. I was too groggy to realize he hadn't actually peed in his bed so went with him to the extra bedroom to sleep.
At 2:00 AM my four year old sensed he was missing out on snuggles and found us. I slept sandwiched between the two of them who were keen on pressing against me as firmly as possible. And the cat was the icing on top. I was very loved.
At 7:00 AM my four year old emptied his bladder for the morning but his wild penis hose took a spin for his pants so he changed and that was handled.
Then at 7:40, when we were supposed to be walking out the door, it happened to the fully dressed seven year old AGAIN. So he changed again.

I haven't examined the floor. I clean it about every three days and there's always pee there.

My take on it?
Screw standing up to pee. It's overrated. I'll take cleanliness.