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Monday, March 27, 2017

The real life game of: What's Worse Than ______?

This is like the game (if you're in your 30s or 40s you might remember this) What's Grosser Than Gross?

Except it's What's Worse Than _____

It's spring so... I need a swimsuit. I love to swim and still get in the water and swim with my kids at least once a week and obviously more during summer. I've been avoiding the task of buying a swimsuit for about 4 years now, so I was finally down to 2 mismatched pieces and now I can't find those either. So...hell is here. AKA swimsuit shopping.

Now let's play. What's Worse Than Swimsuit Shopping?

What's worse than swimsuit shopping as a woman?
Swim suit shopping when you've had 2 kids and your body's looks like a parenting battlefield.

What's worse than swimsuit shopping as a woman who has had children and has the giant stretch marks to prove it?
Bringing your children WITH you to shop for said swimsuit.

"Mom, will you buy a bikini?" Mars
"No." Me
"What's a bikini?" Gomez
"It's a swimsuit that looks like a bra and underwear" Me
Through snorts and chortles, "That's silly!" Gomez
He's right, that IS silly!
"That's right, you won't buy a bikini." Mars
"Why" Gomez
"Because of having me. I was a BIG baby." Mars

What's worse than swimsuit shopping as a woman who has children and has the marks to prove it AND has brought her children?
Her children discussing her underwear while trying on swimsuits.

Keep in mind, I'm now at the part of dealing with actually trying on swimsuits which is fucking terrible. We all know, no matter how your body looks, this part is fucking terrible.

Not only is it the kind of shopping where you have to take off almost all of your clothes (not your underpants,) but then you have to see how your body SHOULD look in a bunch of swimsuits. Because inevitably you choose some suits that were meant for a very different body type than the one you possess.

And this problem is further worsened by how they size women's clothing. How do they do it? The answer can only be: randomly. They randomly assign letters to women's clothing.  Like, they must just have a gun that shoots out SMLXL. Some ladies in the Target factory in China get these guns and their lunch hour is getting to set the American sizing. They all giggle and shoot at the clothes.  Some combination of letters hits the clothes and they're just like *giggle, giggle* American Ladies are HUGE!

So you can't actually tell which size you'll be until you either can or can't squeeze in. And then you're panting from not squeezing in and giving up. Smartly going "Fuck that suit. That's not a medium and I can tell at my thighs that shit's going to make me cry or stab someone."

And the kids are along so crying or stabbing are decidedly not options. So you try the next thing and it fits like my skin, all hanging and bones here but fat there and fuck that suit.

"But I liked that one." Mars
"Why do you have your underpants on? I thought you weren't getting a bikini?" Mars.
"I'm not. It's a rule with trying on swimsuits that you leave your underwear on." Me.
"Why" Mars.
Holy fuck, I've never wanted less to answer a question. Because of the vagina drippies is NOT coming out of my mouth. I am NOT having that conversation. Probably ever. I'm good with explaining sex and that it feels good, etc. But about the discharge of a vagina I will not tell. Fuck, fuckity, FUCK that.
"It's the rules." Me
"I want to read the comic on your underwear." Mars
"Me too. Mars, let's read the comic on mom's underwear." Gomez
"Can you hold still so I can read this?" Mars, while approaching my butt.
"No. Let's go." Me

And that's what's worse than swimsuit shopping as a woman who has children and has the marks to prove it AND has brought said-children and those children are discussing her underwear while she tries on swimsuits and announcing that there's a comic strip on them and then yelling at how she should hold still so they can READ her underwear.

And I thought we were done with this game until I typed in "Bad Swimsuit Fit" to try to find a picture for this post. And instead of remotely valid search results, up came every skinny, perfect bitch on who has found her PERFECT fit! If you modify the search and add male, man, and men, it still comes back with mostly women. Fuck, fuck, FUCK YOU, Google!

But you know what? I did get a swimsuit. And I wore it and I liked it. And my nieces complimented me on my swimsuit. You know who I actually want to have fun with and enjoy while swimming? Children. Not men. So that's officially the best demographic to get a compliment from and also I love my nieces.

So there, Google.

So there, ladies with the size gun in the target factory in China.

The photo is of Jenny McCarthy's ex-boyfriend in a swimsuit. It's the one image I found that made me happy. I like him.