16 lessons you may need to learn about drinking
1. Don't pee on a fire hydrant.
2. Don't mix cool aid, Jack Daniels, and E. I have learned this by the smell of Red Rocks on a cool summer evening and did not appreciate it much. But I can understand it. Don't do it.
3. Hangovers are terrible. You may learn this lesson multiple times in your life.
4. Heels suck. You may decide they suck and leave them behind. Your feet may get very, very dirty and even cut up. No one wants you to sleep on their couch when your feet are this dirty.
5. Falling off of a bike while drinking hurts. It might seem like a better choice than walking but.... well, I'll let you decide this lesson. In my case, it involved some lost skin on my hands and was quite painful.
6. If you dress up like a dog and ask someone to fetch you a beer on Halloween, you won't have to get your own beer. This might also be true other days of the year.
7. Spraying pledge all over your hardwood floors will be funny for longer than you think.
8. Don't get McDonald's, even if they're still open. And really, really don't go to Courtesy Diner in St. Louis. "I can hear your cheese coagulating" is an actual pickup line I was told there and that was my cue to go home.
9. Especially don't pee in McDonald's drive through. Seriously, what is wrong with you?
10. You can't sing.
11. You CAN sing! At the top of your lungs with all your friends in the car in the drivethru. Best thing ever. Also, parodies. They're hilarious. Also, Irish drinking songs. I don't know any but if we've been drinking, you can teach them to me and then I'll learn a new lesson that I'll promptly forget when I'm wondering what happened.
12. You can't juggle.
13. You CAN juggle. You run a juggling school and you're name is Penelope.
14. No one is looking at the floor in the bar. You can sit under the bar and tie someone's shoes to a bar stool.
15. But, Don't sit on the floor of the bar. It's icky. Did you not see your feet after #4?
16. Don't pull on your new friend's barstool, accidentally pull too hard and pull it out from under him. This may be when you learn that your new friend has a prosthetic leg after he falls to the floor and lifts up his pant leg.
17. Don't rape anyone.
Wait, scratch that last one. That's something I never once had to learn about drinking. I'm thinking... wait... nope. Never.
I have climbed trees, peed on a fire hydrant, pledged the floors of my apartment, lost my shoes, pulled the chair out from under a guy with a prosthetic leg, eaten poprocks with soda, gotten pulled over on my bike by the police, tied someone's shoes to their barstool, pretended I was British and a professional juggler, but I have NEVER once, oops, fucked up and gotten drunk and raped another person. Never. It's not a lesson you learn in college. It's not a lesson about drinking. And victims don't need to learn it.
But we as moms and dads have GOT to learn how to teach our boys not to rape.
3 Ways to Parents Can Do that
1. The main thing we do with our little boys is to enforce everyone's right to exert control over their own bodies. We stop if they say "ow" and make them stop if someone else says "ow."
2. We don't make them hug people or kiss them if they don't want to. That has an awesome consequence in the future of them not thinking someone else has to kiss or hug or more them.
3. In the future, we will have conversations about consent. We will teach them that they are never to have sex with an unconscious woman. We will tell them not to have sex with a drunk girl. If she really wants to, she'll want to later too. In the future we will teach them that if you see something, say something.
It's our responsibility first. Because boys should be learning this before they go to college so that they can just enjoy learning that putting a couch on skateboards and rolling it down a hill is an awesome idea and also a terrible idea.