Follow by Email

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Multi Bagels, Barfin' in the hot tub

This was the coloring sheet I was about to recycle when I turned it over to see this:

It reads:
Multi-bagels, barfin' in the hot tub
We don't care
and I'll be looking through your underwear
This is something both kids have been singing a lot lately and to the tune of Royals, by Lorde. I guess it's better than toddlers singing
"But every song's like gold teeth, grey goose, trippin' in the bathroom
Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room,
We don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams."

Please don't let anyone barf in the hot tub.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Peed on Robe

Yesterday my mom watched the boys while Rob and I worked. I came home to learn that my five year old had been trying to pee on his brother's face in the bathroom but instead had peed on my husband's bathrobe.


A. I'm glad he didn't pee on his brother's face.
B. I'm glad it wasn't my robe.
C. I'm glad I wasn't home for any of this.
D. My mom led with how good the boys had been all day. Which leads me to
E. I believe they were giggling and laughing and playing a game that involved pee. Which leads me back to


(I forgot the robe in the washer last night. I hope it's not even smellier than pee from me forgetting to put it straight into the dryer. Ugh.)

Friday, June 10, 2016

16 lessons from Drinking and 3 About Rape

16 lessons you may need to learn about drinking

1. Don't pee on a fire hydrant.

2. Don't mix cool aid, Jack Daniels, and E. I have learned this by the smell of Red Rocks on a cool summer evening and did not appreciate it much. But I can understand it. Don't do it.

3. Hangovers are terrible. You may learn this lesson multiple times in your life.

4. Heels suck. You may decide they suck and leave them behind. Your feet may get very, very dirty and even cut up. No one wants you to sleep on their couch when your feet are this dirty.

5. Falling off of a bike while drinking hurts. It might seem like a better choice than walking but.... well, I'll let you decide this lesson. In my case, it involved some lost skin on my hands and was quite painful.

6. If you dress up like a dog and ask someone to fetch you a beer on Halloween, you won't have to get your own beer. This might also be true other days of the year.

7. Spraying pledge all over your hardwood floors will be funny for longer than you think.

8. Don't get McDonald's, even if they're still open. And really, really don't go to Courtesy Diner in St. Louis. "I can hear your cheese coagulating" is an actual pickup line I was told there and that was my cue to go home.

9. Especially don't pee in McDonald's drive through. Seriously, what is wrong with you?

10. You can't sing.

11. You CAN sing! At the top of your lungs with all your friends in the car in the drivethru. Best thing ever. Also, parodies. They're hilarious. Also, Irish drinking songs. I don't know any but if we've been drinking, you can teach them to me and then I'll learn a new lesson that I'll promptly forget when I'm wondering what happened.

12. You can't juggle.

13. You CAN juggle. You run a juggling school and you're name is Penelope.

14. No one is looking at the floor in the bar. You can sit under the bar and tie someone's shoes to a bar stool.

15. But, Don't sit on the floor of the bar. It's icky. Did you not see your feet after #4?

16. Don't pull on your new friend's barstool, accidentally pull too hard and pull it out from under him. This may be when you learn that your new friend has a prosthetic leg after he falls to the floor and lifts up his pant leg.

17. Don't rape anyone.

Wait, scratch that last one. That's something I never once had to learn about drinking. I'm thinking... wait... nope. Never.

I have climbed trees, peed on a fire hydrant, pledged the floors of my apartment, lost my shoes, pulled the chair out from under a guy with a prosthetic leg, eaten poprocks with soda, gotten pulled over on my bike by the police, tied someone's shoes to their barstool, pretended I was British and a professional juggler, but I have NEVER once, oops, fucked up and gotten drunk and raped another person. Never. It's not a lesson you learn in college. It's not a lesson about drinking. And victims don't need to learn it.

But we as moms and dads have GOT to learn how to teach our boys not to rape.

3 Ways to Parents Can Do that

1. The main thing we do with our little boys is to enforce everyone's right to exert control over their own bodies. We stop if they say "ow" and make them stop if someone else says "ow."

2. We don't make them hug people or kiss them if they don't want to. That has an awesome consequence in the future of them not thinking someone else has to kiss or hug or more them.

3. In the future, we will have conversations about consent. We will teach them that they are never to have sex with an unconscious woman. We will tell them not to have sex with a drunk girl. If she really wants to, she'll want to later too. In the future we will teach them that if you see something, say something.

It's our responsibility first. Because boys should be learning this before they go to college so that they can just enjoy learning that putting a couch on skateboards and rolling it down a hill is an awesome idea and also a terrible idea.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Shit Pinata

Remember that one time when my kid stuck his finger in his asshole and it was like a shit pinata and I thought I got it all cleaned up but still wore a hazmat suit to go to the bathroom for a week? Yeah, well, now the other kid's 3. So I guess we'll do it again.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Unruly Friend or Toddler?

The game where you guess whether the quote was said by an unruly friend or a toddler. Ready? Here we go.

“I’m not going to tell you about the syrup. I drank it for a snack.”


Stop Licking....

Last night I told the kids to stop licking their ice cream bowls in a restaurant. This is the most understandable thing they've ever licked. Just before that, they were licking the menus. I definitely told them not to lick that. I know what those got wiped off with: the same damned washcloth that wiped up countless spills and tables all night long. And that's theoretically if they got wiped off... wait staff often does not have kids and don't get tipped on sidework. Then this morning, they were licking milk they were "spilling" on the table from their cereal bowls. Do other people's children have to be told not to lick things on a daily basis?

Monday, June 6, 2016

10,000 things I forgot or lost or got wrong before 9:00 AM, or maybe just 21 and I'm anxious so inflated that number

How is it possible to get this many things wrong before 9:00 AM?
1. I forgot the paperwork for the camp I got my son into at work so had to stop by there and get it.
2. It was blank because I had forgotten to fill it out on Friday or all weekend while it sat forgotten at work.
3. I forgot a pen to fill it in when I left the office.
4. I forgot my purse at home which contains pens that I could have used.
5. I forgot my son's jacket in case it rains.
6. I forgot to put sunscreen on my son.
7. I forgot to bring sunscreen for them to put on my son (who is clear, like me and needs constant sunscreen slathering.)
8. I forgot a hat for him.
9. Over the weekend I lost every plastic bag, paper bag, and both kids' lunchboxes. I put the kids lunches in a bagel bag and a hospital bag with "Steve" on it.
10. On Sunday when my husband went grocery shopping, he forgot the grocery list in the car so he forgot to buy Ziploc backs and we completely ran out of those too. So the inside of the kids' lunches looks a lot like the outsides.
11. I forgot a water bottle for my son's camp.
-1. I found a water bottle in the car so we'll call that one a win!
11. Back to 11 because I forgot to wash it and have no idea when it was washed last because it's a forgotten-in-the-car water bottle. But I did remember to have my son refill it from the water fountain and that's definitely cleanish so we'll let that one go now.
12. I forgot my husband's cell phone number. Ok, that's a lie. I don't actually have it memorized. And really I'm going to be out of town for the rest of the week so his is the actual number they need. I think I might remember it correctly 10% of the time and there's only like 2 digits I'm unsure of but I'm sure that doesn't work for calling him and obviously that's a problem on the form I filled out. Or maybe this was the one time I got that one right. Fingers crossed.
13. In the paperwork at home there was a list of acceptable and unacceptable "Take Apart" items for this camp. All the normal parents brought a broken DVD player or a broken CD player. Meanwhile, I brought the motor from our broken ceiling fan. It's so weird that it didn't make either the acceptable or the unacceptable part of the list. So I don't actually know if I messed up or not but it looked weird and my kid can hardly carry the damned thing so probably this was a screw up. Or maybe he'll pull it off with moxie. That kid oozes with moxie. Except when he's nervous. Like he was this morning when I screwed up our entire morning. And probably his life.
14. They forgot to add my son to the list despite the fact that I signed up and paid for this camp in March. I know this is not actually my fault but I then forgot how I registered him and got so flustered that I'm sure this somehow gets categorized as me getting something wrong.
15. Then on my way out after abandoning my terrified, possibly unwelcome child to camp with a jenky lunch and the wrong Take Apart item, I heard the ladies who were checking people in asking each other if something from a story sounded believable. And maybe that didn't have anything to do with me but
16. Then I started thinking about how I'm wearing a ridiculous skirt and tshirt combo because they're so comfortable and I realized that everything about my clothes is wrong. My skirt has this hole in it that I always think I'm going to sew. So after I wear it, I set it aside as though I'm going to do that but then
17. I forget to sew it and then I get annoyed that it's out so I put it back on the shelf. And then
18. I reforget that it's got a hole in it and only remember that it's super comfy and have this dumb idea that if I wear a skirt, that's getting dressed professionally-ish enough even though the only long summer skirts I own are the kind that can actually double as pajamas.
19. So I rush home because the lady who forgot to list my son on the sign in asked if she could call me in an hour. Because that's how long it takes to figure out if I'm a whackadoodle trying to sneak my kid in on account of my ripped pajama skirt-t-shirt-combo or an actual on-top-my-shit-for-one-single-moment-mom because I signed him up in MARCH but I knew I'd forgotten my cell phone so I'd better get home so she can call me.
20. But then I realized when I got home and looked in my purse that my phone wasn't there. It was in the pocket of my robe and I'm basically a ninja because I found it without my husband having to call it.
21. I forgot to mention my other son. I definitely don't have the mental capacity now to figure out what I forgot, lost, or screwed up there. I'm sure he's walking around with boogers on his dirty face but at least he's got Steve's hospital bag full of lunch and probably clothes on. Probably.


And now it's 11:40 and I've gotten next to nothing done and the woman never called. So I'm going to get to work and hope that I forget all about all the things I forgot, lost, or got wrong before 9 this morning.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Tree Huggers

My husband texted me: "The kids are literally hugging small trees.
Me: "I blame home birth."

Friday, June 3, 2016

Unruly Friend or Toddler?

The game where you guess whether the quote was said by an unruly friend or a toddler. Ready? Here we go.

“You may not EVER pee in a cooler at my house again.”


Two kids, Crazy

Husband: How do you say ‘crazy’ in Swedish?

Me: Tokig (pronounced too-kig)

Husband: Two kids?

Me: Yes.

Showering in the Curtains

When I came home from writing this morning, both boys were naked. They'd wrapped themselves up in our window sheers and they explained to me that they were taking showers there.