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Tuesday, December 20, 2016

I had a dream I was stapling my six-year-old son to the inside of a box by his clothing to "wrap" him and send him to his grandmother for Christmas. We were both laughing so hard it was making it hard for me to properly "wrap" him with the staple gun. Merry Christmas, make of this what you will...

Tuesday, December 6, 2016


Do you ever find yourself so tired that you try desperately and for long, long moments to deconstruct your toddler's argument in an effort to see if his logic is sound?

Like he goes, "It can't be December fifth because we already did the day before yesterday."
And then your mind is like, wait WAS the day before yesterday the fifth? Is he right? Wait, if he's right, does that mean it's really Decemver 7 because it shouldn't be the fifth because that one did already happen. And yes, I just typed Decemver but that's because I think he might be right and December might not even be a month. It might be the month when the day before yesterday. And because I'm super tired, I can't figure it out.

Ever wondered that? And then been like, nuh uh, "he's not right, you idiot! He doesn't even have a concept of what December means! He just learned to count to twelve a week ago, before which it was "one, two, fee, six""
But then you realize that you just questioned whether it was December or Decemver and Decemver is really growing on you...

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Be That Person



Having children completely altered the landscape of my body. I don't have an illness that will likely cut my lifespan short, but I am a normal mom whose body shows signs of surviving 37 years. This lady, man, she got it right. Rock the body you have.

Over Thanksgiving, I ran a 5K with a new friend. She warned me as I got in the car that she had "padded up," but was pretty sure she couldn't control her bladder for the full distance. She's beautiful. And awesome and I had a great time. Rock the body you have.

Last night, Gomez wanted me to keep getting his belly. Then he decided he should get mine. I have lost sensation on my belly from the scarring due to stretching so far during pregnancy and am self-conscious about my belly. But my kids just see the chance to "get me." I let them and we play away. Rock the body you have.

Today.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Might as Well

Saturday we needed to buy an organ. Obviously. I mean, when you're on your way home from hours out on the go, the obvious thing you must do is stop by the thrift store to bring home a broken organ so that your husband can "trick it out." And then spend 2 hours fixing it and learning how use effects pedals on it. That way he can make a fuzz pedal for a 1980s organ and make jokes about me playing his fuzzy old organ. Yup. Early this morning, he figured out how to play "Crocodile Rock" on the organ. But don't worry, he's trying to convince me of how much I want to play this delightful new addition to our home. He's also trying to convince me to get black light posters and have a Psychedelic Rock-Themed New Year's party. That I might get on board for. As I came around to the idea, I told him that I'd get on board with this organ business if he'll figure out a way for us to use it as a way to prank people which necessarily entails building a generator so we can play it on our friends' lawns. If you can't beat 'em, might as well join 'em. The kids love it.

"Jump" is coming from the basement. Might as well..

Monday, November 14, 2016

What's in your purse? I never know.

Ever root around in your purse for your gloves, get one, then not find the other and pull out a sock instead? Then you realize the reason you only have one glove is on account of your six-year-old using your glove for his Darth Vader costume?
I have no idea why there's a pair of socks in my purse.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

The Disasterlands of Parenting

This image set to make its appearance in my new book, Stop Licking That. Publication date TBA soon!

Sunday, October 23, 2016

ProbosKiss?

The kids crawled in before dawn for snuggles this morning.
Gomez (3): "KISSES!"
Me: kisses
Gomez gives eskimo kiss. "What are these called?"
Me: "Eskimo kisses."
Gomez: "What are butterfly kisses again?"
Mars (6) demonstrates with his eyelashes. Then he conjectures, "What if a butterfly kissed by sticking out its tongue?"
Me: "I think a butterfly tongue is really called a proboscis."
Mars, sticking out tongue, "ProbosKiss?"

Sunday, October 16, 2016

What a toddler's robot needs, he gets

So I opened a pencil case that Gomez (3) has been carrying around and found the cleaning solution for my glasses.
Me: "You can't play with this. I need it to clean my glasses."
Gomez: "BUT, I needed to spray it on my robot's armpits."

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

Ninja'd

On Friday night, I had my purse searched at the entrance to a concert.
"Watch out for windup toys!" I warned.
On Monday, my laptop bag had three stuffed dogs in it.
And today at the bus stop, a little girl pulled a small globular red thing from her pocket, "I've got this for fishing."
I pulled out this.



"Oh yeah? I've got a ninja."

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Bragging Rights with Boys

I just wanted to stop for a moment and brag about exactly how often I find a rock under my kitchen table. A rock that my preschooler has selected especially for me, and then has hidden away and not given to me. A rock that he has been told, does not belong in the house, and instead belongs in the pile the 2 boys have created in the back yard, which they refer to as the "Meghannism." A rock that he has forgotten that he concealed under the table, and then dropped. Because it's often.

So to recap, my son gets a special rock for me because I'm special and then discards it and forgets it under the table. I also occasionally make it out of the house wearing two matching socks that neither of my boys has worn on his hands for playtime. Try not to be jealous.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Remember that time when...

I was going to apologize to this really nice girl I sat next to whose poor mother was a night nurse and I was always trying to convince her that she had it made insofar as she could sneak out whenever she wanted but instead she always said, "Naw, my mom'd kill me." And she loved her mom and took good notes and was an all around good influence. Thanks, Coya. I learned to take notes and you didn't listen to me and now we're both okay.

When I was about to apologize online to her and really to her mother, my 3 year old locked himself in time out in my bedroom on the 2nd story. So then my husband's idea for how to handle that was to teach said 3 year old to open the 2nd story window. When I finally convinced him of what a terrible idea that was, he headed around the house to get a ladder and climb in to free the kid. Instead, I jimmied the lock with the cardboard of my writing notebook. See how writing helps you?

In addition to teaching our children to open windows and jimmy locks, my husband also thinks teaching them to use a weed whacker is a good idea. Yes, let's give a 3 and 6 year old a spinning blade tool (I don't actually know how a weed whacker works.)

So I don't always get to what I meant to. But my kids are going to learn to write. Because it's useful.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Maybe to her parents

My husband asked our five year old about a girl who had been chasing him on the playground. "Is she cute?"
5 year old frowned and said, "Maybe to her parents."

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Toddler or Unruly Friend? First Day of Preschool

The game where you guess whether the quote was said by an unruly friend or a toddler. Ready? Here we go.

While wrestling on a yoga ball
"Stop licking his butt"
"Seriously, no licking each other's butts."

I gave it away in the title, but this was the first day of preschool and so, my kids were licking each other's shorts. Answer? Toddler.

I remember when I thought my unruly friends were the most unruly people I knew.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Cake by the Ocean goes on the Tomorrow Shelf


“When was the last time you looked in that bag?”

One day when I picked my 3-year-old up at daycare, my day-care lady chastised Rob and me about the contents of the bag we send with our son. This was completely unfounded. That bag must have all the things she needed, surely. It’s been unopened for a month. So the things that were useful a month ago should all still be in there, right? Right?

Daycare lady: “Do you know what’s in there? Because there were no pairs of underwear, about 3 winter coats, 5 pairs of socks… do you have any socks left at your house? and no changes of clothes.”

I laughed maniacally and swore that we had our shit together.

This is what happens when the only person to do anything with the bag is the 3 year old, who, it appears, has slowly added things to it. Meanwhile, the adults have not added anything nor taken anything out, apparently.

I checked out the contents when the kids and I got home. Here was what was in there:

4 pairs of socks, 2 coats, a superman book, a keychain, a lego guy, a pair of underpants. 0 shorts or pants, 0 shirts, 0 hats

She was wrong, we do have socks at home (now.)

 

While sitting on the floor of the living room, folding the last bits of laundry that evening, (as if I’ve ever seen the last bits of laundry. That’ll be the day.) Magnus and I had this conversation about girls.

“You know how they do this?” he mimed a girl tucking hair behind one ear and a smile timidly took over his face.

I nodded, “yeah.”

He grinned, “I feel funny when they do that.” Smiling had now completely overwhelmed him and a new look I’d never seen before crossed his face: embarrassment? More like a post-flirty combination of confused and bewitched.

I promptly fell into a fit of laughter on the floor.

Magnus, “What?”

“You like them, don’t you? The girls that tuck their hair behind their ears?”

Magnus snorting, “Yeah. Why are you laughing?”

Me: “No, it’s nothing, I just think you’re going to marry a girl.” I then went back to my pile of laundry folding and Magnus went upstairs.

Shortly thereafter, he was adamant that we should watch the video “Cake by the Ocean, original version.”

“Can you go on Youtube and type in the search box “Cake by the Ocean, original version”?”

He probably repeated this five times.

Rob: “Wait, what was it again? Crumpets by the Seaside? A remix?”

Me from the kitchen: “No, it was Pie by the Creek”

Magnus, patiently for once, completely missing the teasing: “No, no, no. It’s “Cake by the Ocean, original version.””

Rob: “Salad tongs on the sand?”

Me: “No, not sweet enough “Cobbler at the Pond””

Rob: “Ice cream at the inlet”

Magnus: You guys are assholes.

Well, that’s what he should have said. He didn’t. He waited patiently until we finally typed it in the searchbox as he’d instructed and his video came on.

In case you didn’t know, the song Cake by the Ocean has a bunch of the f-word in it. My 5-year-old asked to see the video, it turned out, because some kid at school told him about it. As we started watching it, his eyes got huge because of all the girls in bikinis and he was excitedly anticipating that apparently, there is a lot of throwing of the cake by the girls in bikinis and he liked that idea. A lot.

We turned off “Danish by the River” though when my 3-year-old goes, “are they saying the f-word?”

Then Gavin, 3-year-old, was caught eating something, which isn’t all that abnormal for him. On a recent camping trip, he was eating restaurant crayons during story time in the tent and nearly bit me as I struggled to get him to spit out the pieces. He eats crayons often.

Me, smelling something minty on Gavin’s breath as he snuggles into my lap: Gavin, what are you eating?

3-yr-old: I don’t want to tell you

Me: Just tell me the truth. If you’re honest, you won’t be in trouble.

3-yr-old, more emphatically and whining: I don’t want to tell y-you! (voice shaking)

Me: Did you eat candy?

3-yr-old: No

Me, thinking: Did you get ahold of some gum?

3-yr-old: No

Me: just tell me what you ate

Gavin: I don’t want to

Me, looking down at chapstick and remembering that he asked yesterday whether chapstick was “minty”: Is it chapstick?

Gavin: I don’t want to tell you!!!

Rob, laughing: You said to tell the truth and technically, he’s not lying.

I took the half-eaten chapstick away and put it on the tomorrow shelf. The kids hate the tomorrow shelf above all other punishments in the house. I put things on that shelf and forget them for a lot of tomorrows. I mean to give it back tomorrow but if no one asks, I forget. And even if they do, they tend to ask at the same time as I’m in the shower or making coffee or we’re about to walk out the door OR at the same time as they’re asking for four other things. So it doesn’t always happen and then there it sits, getting swallowed by piles of clothes in my shelf.

Gavin has been known to try to figure out when tomorrow is which quickly becomes a more complicated and esoteric conversation than you’d think.

Gavin “Is it tomorrow yet?”

Me “Nope.”

Gavin “Is it tomorrow the day after this night?”

Me “yes.”

Gavin, the next day, “Is it tomorrow now?”

Me “technically, it will never be tomorrow.”

Gavin wails in despair. The tomorrow shelf never comes.

Screaming ensued about the mostly-eaten minty chapstick on the tomorrow shelf. At dinner he flatly refused to try any of the food because “it’s yucky.” Yeah, stir fry is yucky, but chapstick and crayons are delicious.

The following morning, Rob found a box of graham crackers in Gavin’s bed. He’s a squirrel, apparently. He’ll eat things he squirrels away for himself but nothing I make.
This was a total of 12 hours of our lives. It’s like this Every. Glorious. Day.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Me & Jesus in Heaven


My two kids (5 and 3 years old) were sitting on my lap on Saturday. My five year old told me that he pictures me in heaven and there is a swimming pool. Jesus is there of course.

My three year old added that Jesus and I have a contest throwing each other into the pool.

My five year old said "but you have all your clothes on."
I laughed and then when we settled back down, my five year old continued his conjectures of heaven. "You're the same age in heaven as you were when you died."
Me "I hope not because I plan to live to 100 and I’d like to move better than that for eternity." (especially if I’m having a contest with someone who can walk on water.)

Me: “So Jesus pushes me into the pool with my clothes on?”
Gavin “THROWS you!”
 
Oh good. Jesus would push me no THROW me into a pool with all my clothes on at 100 years old.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Polka Dots

My 3-year-old boy asked me to kiss his owie.
"Of course. Where?"
He lifted up his shirt, pointed to his nipple and said "on my polka dot."

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Multi Bagels, Barfin' in the hot tub








This was the coloring sheet I was about to recycle when I turned it over to see this:

It reads:
Multi-bagels, barfin' in the hot tub
We don't care
and I'll be looking through your underwear
 
 
 
This is something both kids have been singing a lot lately and to the tune of Royals, by Lorde. I guess it's better than toddlers singing
"But every song's like gold teeth, grey goose, trippin' in the bathroom
Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room,
We don't care, we're driving Cadillacs in our dreams."



Please don't let anyone barf in the hot tub.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Peed on Robe

Yesterday my mom watched the boys while Rob and I worked. I came home to learn that my five year old had been trying to pee on his brother's face in the bathroom but instead had peed on my husband's bathrobe.

?
??
???
Seriously?

A. I'm glad he didn't pee on his brother's face.
B. I'm glad it wasn't my robe.
C. I'm glad I wasn't home for any of this.
D. My mom led with how good the boys had been all day. Which leads me to
E. I believe they were giggling and laughing and playing a game that involved pee. Which leads me back to

?
???
?????????????????????????????AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(I forgot the robe in the washer last night. I hope it's not even smellier than pee from me forgetting to put it straight into the dryer. Ugh.)

Friday, June 10, 2016

16 lessons from Drinking and 3 About Rape

16 lessons you may need to learn about drinking

1. Don't pee on a fire hydrant.

2. Don't mix cool aid, Jack Daniels, and E. I have learned this by the smell of Red Rocks on a cool summer evening and did not appreciate it much. But I can understand it. Don't do it.

3. Hangovers are terrible. You may learn this lesson multiple times in your life.

4. Heels suck. You may decide they suck and leave them behind. Your feet may get very, very dirty and even cut up. No one wants you to sleep on their couch when your feet are this dirty.

5. Falling off of a bike while drinking hurts. It might seem like a better choice than walking but.... well, I'll let you decide this lesson. In my case, it involved some lost skin on my hands and was quite painful.

6. If you dress up like a dog and ask someone to fetch you a beer on Halloween, you won't have to get your own beer. This might also be true other days of the year.

7. Spraying pledge all over your hardwood floors will be funny for longer than you think.

8. Don't get McDonald's, even if they're still open. And really, really don't go to Courtesy Diner in St. Louis. "I can hear your cheese coagulating" is an actual pickup line I was told there and that was my cue to go home.

9. Especially don't pee in McDonald's drive through. Seriously, what is wrong with you?

10. You can't sing.

11. You CAN sing! At the top of your lungs with all your friends in the car in the drivethru. Best thing ever. Also, parodies. They're hilarious. Also, Irish drinking songs. I don't know any but if we've been drinking, you can teach them to me and then I'll learn a new lesson that I'll promptly forget when I'm wondering what happened.

12. You can't juggle.

13. You CAN juggle. You run a juggling school and you're name is Penelope.

14. No one is looking at the floor in the bar. You can sit under the bar and tie someone's shoes to a bar stool.

15. But, Don't sit on the floor of the bar. It's icky. Did you not see your feet after #4?

16. Don't pull on your new friend's barstool, accidentally pull too hard and pull it out from under him. This may be when you learn that your new friend has a prosthetic leg after he falls to the floor and lifts up his pant leg.

17. Don't rape anyone.

Wait, scratch that last one. That's something I never once had to learn about drinking. I'm thinking... wait... nope. Never.

I have climbed trees, peed on a fire hydrant, pledged the floors of my apartment, lost my shoes, pulled the chair out from under a guy with a prosthetic leg, eaten poprocks with soda, gotten pulled over on my bike by the police, tied someone's shoes to their barstool, pretended I was British and a professional juggler, but I have NEVER once, oops, fucked up and gotten drunk and raped another person. Never. It's not a lesson you learn in college. It's not a lesson about drinking. And victims don't need to learn it.

But we as moms and dads have GOT to learn how to teach our boys not to rape.

3 Ways to Parents Can Do that

1. The main thing we do with our little boys is to enforce everyone's right to exert control over their own bodies. We stop if they say "ow" and make them stop if someone else says "ow."

2. We don't make them hug people or kiss them if they don't want to. That has an awesome consequence in the future of them not thinking someone else has to kiss or hug or more them.

3. In the future, we will have conversations about consent. We will teach them that they are never to have sex with an unconscious woman. We will tell them not to have sex with a drunk girl. If she really wants to, she'll want to later too. In the future we will teach them that if you see something, say something.

It's our responsibility first. Because boys should be learning this before they go to college so that they can just enjoy learning that putting a couch on skateboards and rolling it down a hill is an awesome idea and also a terrible idea.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Shit Pinata

Remember that one time when my kid stuck his finger in his asshole and it was like a shit pinata and I thought I got it all cleaned up but still wore a hazmat suit to go to the bathroom for a week? Yeah, well, now the other kid's 3. So I guess we'll do it again.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Unruly Friend or Toddler?

The game where you guess whether the quote was said by an unruly friend or a toddler. Ready? Here we go.

“I’m not going to tell you about the syrup. I drank it for a snack.”

 


Stop Licking....

Last night I told the kids to stop licking their ice cream bowls in a restaurant. This is the most understandable thing they've ever licked. Just before that, they were licking the menus. I definitely told them not to lick that. I know what those got wiped off with: the same damned washcloth that wiped up countless spills and tables all night long. And that's theoretically if they got wiped off... wait staff often does not have kids and don't get tipped on sidework. Then this morning, they were licking milk they were "spilling" on the table from their cereal bowls. Do other people's children have to be told not to lick things on a daily basis?

Monday, June 6, 2016

10,000 things I forgot or lost or got wrong before 9:00 AM, or maybe just 21 and I'm anxious so inflated that number

How is it possible to get this many things wrong before 9:00 AM?
 
1. I forgot the paperwork for the camp I got my son into at work so had to stop by there and get it.
 
2. It was blank because I had forgotten to fill it out on Friday or all weekend while it sat forgotten at work.
 
3. I forgot a pen to fill it in when I left the office.
 
4. I forgot my purse at home which contains pens that I could have used.
 
5. I forgot my son's jacket in case it rains.
 
6. I forgot to put sunscreen on my son.
 
7. I forgot to bring sunscreen for them to put on my son (who is clear, like me and needs constant sunscreen slathering.)
 
8. I forgot a hat for him.
 
9. Over the weekend I lost every plastic bag, paper bag, and both kids' lunchboxes. I put the kids lunches in a bagel bag and a hospital bag with "Steve" on it.
 
10. On Sunday when my husband went grocery shopping, he forgot the grocery list in the car so he forgot to buy Ziploc backs and we completely ran out of those too. So the inside of the kids' lunches looks a lot like the outsides.
 
11. I forgot a water bottle for my son's camp.
-1. I found a water bottle in the car so we'll call that one a win!
11. Back to 11 because I forgot to wash it and have no idea when it was washed last because it's a forgotten-in-the-car water bottle. But I did remember to have my son refill it from the water fountain and that's definitely cleanish so we'll let that one go now.
 
12. I forgot my husband's cell phone number. Ok, that's a lie. I don't actually have it memorized. And really I'm going to be out of town for the rest of the week so his is the actual number they need. I think I might remember it correctly 10% of the time and there's only like 2 digits I'm unsure of but I'm sure that doesn't work for calling him and obviously that's a problem on the form I filled out. Or maybe this was the one time I got that one right. Fingers crossed.
 
13. In the paperwork at home there was a list of acceptable and unacceptable "Take Apart" items for this camp. All the normal parents brought a broken DVD player or a broken CD player. Meanwhile, I brought the motor from our broken ceiling fan. It's so weird that it didn't make either the acceptable or the unacceptable part of the list. So I don't actually know if I messed up or not but it looked weird and my kid can hardly carry the damned thing so probably this was a screw up. Or maybe he'll pull it off with moxie. That kid oozes with moxie. Except when he's nervous. Like he was this morning when I screwed up our entire morning. And probably his life.
 
14. They forgot to add my son to the list despite the fact that I signed up and paid for this camp in March. I know this is not actually my fault but I then forgot how I registered him and got so flustered that I'm sure this somehow gets categorized as me getting something wrong.
 
15. Then on my way out after abandoning my terrified, possibly unwelcome child to camp with a jenky lunch and the wrong Take Apart item, I heard the ladies who were checking people in asking each other if something from a story sounded believable. And maybe that didn't have anything to do with me but
 
16. Then I started thinking about how I'm wearing a ridiculous skirt and tshirt combo because they're so comfortable and I realized that everything about my clothes is wrong. My skirt has this hole in it that I always think I'm going to sew. So after I wear it, I set it aside as though I'm going to do that but then
 
17. I forget to sew it and then I get annoyed that it's out so I put it back on the shelf. And then
 
18. I reforget that it's got a hole in it and only remember that it's super comfy and have this dumb idea that if I wear a skirt, that's getting dressed professionally-ish enough even though the only long summer skirts I own are the kind that can actually double as pajamas.
 
19. So I rush home because the lady who forgot to list my son on the sign in asked if she could call me in an hour. Because that's how long it takes to figure out if I'm a whackadoodle trying to sneak my kid in on account of my ripped pajama skirt-t-shirt-combo or an actual on-top-my-shit-for-one-single-moment-mom because I signed him up in MARCH but I knew I'd forgotten my cell phone so I'd better get home so she can call me.
 
20. But then I realized when I got home and looked in my purse that my phone wasn't there. It was in the pocket of my robe and I'm basically a ninja because I found it without my husband having to call it.
 
21. I forgot to mention my other son. I definitely don't have the mental capacity now to figure out what I forgot, lost, or screwed up there. I'm sure he's walking around with boogers on his dirty face but at least he's got Steve's hospital bag full of lunch and probably clothes on. Probably.

 

 
And now it's 11:40 and I've gotten next to nothing done and the woman never called. So I'm going to get to work and hope that I forget all about all the things I forgot, lost, or got wrong before 9 this morning.
 

Sunday, June 5, 2016

Tree Huggers

My husband texted me: "The kids are literally hugging small trees.
Me: "I blame home birth."

Friday, June 3, 2016

Unruly Friend or Toddler?


The game where you guess whether the quote was said by an unruly friend or a toddler. Ready? Here we go.

“You may not EVER pee in a cooler at my house again.”

 
 

Two kids, Crazy

Husband: How do you say ‘crazy’ in Swedish?

Me: Tokig (pronounced too-kig)

Husband: Two kids?

Me: Yes.

Showering in the Curtains

When I came home from writing this morning, both boys were naked. They'd wrapped themselves up in our window sheers and they explained to me that they were taking showers there.